Funny Quotes
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.- Oscar Wilde
I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.- Winston Churchill
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.- Oliver Herford
I don't need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.- Unknown
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.- Joan Rivers
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.- Robert Bloch
How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have a huge clock right in the middle of the town.- Jimmy Kimmel
During a test, people look up for inspiration, down in desperation, and left and right for information.- Unknown
Don't know where your kids are in the house? Turn off the internet and they'll show up quickly.- Unknown
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.- Elbert Hubbard
There’s no “I” in denial.- Peter Serafinowicz
Men have only two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.- Unknown
If con is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress?- Jon Stewart
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.- Ron White
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.- Albert Einstein
The one thing you shouldn't do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere.- Jimmy Fallon
If you’re listening to a rock star to get your information on who to vote for, you’re a bigger moron than they are.- Alice Cooper
My brother is gay and my parents don’t care, as long as he marries a doctor.- Elayne Boosler
Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.- Marilyn vos Savant
Few great men would have got past personnel.- Paul Goodman
If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses.- Attributed to Henry Ford
I never had much interest in the piano until I realized that every time I played, a girl would appear on the piano bench to my left and another to my right.- Duke Ellington
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.- Unknown
The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.- Scott Adams (Dilbert)
Cure for an obsession: get another one.- Mason Cooley
In the end we’re all Jerry Springer Show guests, really, we just haven’t been on the show.- Marilyn Manson
I love fools' experiments. I am always making them.- Charles Darwin
The tax collector must love poor people, he's creating so many of them.- Bill Vaughan
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.- Dave Barry
Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people's drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.- Polish Proverb
It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.- Johnny Vegas
As far as I'm concerned, 'whom' is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler.- Calvin Trillin
Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.- Josh Billings
Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement.- Ronald Reagan
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.- Henny Youngman
It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.- H. L. Mencken
He was like a cock who thought the sun had risen to hear him crow.- George Eliot
My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.- Rodney Dangerfield
That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.- Joe Rogan
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.- Jay Leno
Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.- Chelsea Handler
The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.- P. G. Wodehouse
It's a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children.- Alan Alda
You could knock my teeth out and break my nose, and there'd be something funny about it to me.- Chevy Chase
Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.- George Bernard Shaw
I have a funny relationship with religion. I'm a big believer in ritualistic behavior as long as it doesn't hurt anybody. But I'm not a big fan of rules. And yet, we cannot live in a world without order.- Madonna Ciccone
Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings.- David Sedaris
